


Worst Client Ever

by Blumenstern



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Naruto, 逆転裁判 | Gyakuten Saiban | Ace Attorney
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Attempted Kidnapping, Attempted Murder, Crack, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Lawyers, Murder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 03:16:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4463381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blumenstern/pseuds/Blumenstern
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Dramatic Tales of Phoenix Wright, Interuniversal Ace Attorney.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Albus Dumbledore

"Do you really think this is a good idea, Maya?" a young, spiky-haired (not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you), good-looking, successful ... anyways, a young lawyer dressed in worn down (hey!) blue suit asked his pink-robed "assistant". "I'm pretty certain this 'We accept any case, only today!!!' thing is going to backfire. Spectacularly."

"Come on, Nick. It'll be fun," she replied enthusiastically. "Besides, what could possibly go wrong?"

"Now you've jinxed it! I should have never agreed to this. Why did did I agree to this???" he cried, all the while dramatically pointing his finger in her face.

Before he could continue lamenting his horrible luck however, the doorbell rang, announcing their first client of the day. Phoenix went to open the door only to find himself face to face with an elderly bearded gentleman dressed in a purple and magenta robe, an outfit so horrible it might possibly count as eye torture. Nonetheless, Maya invited him in and offered him a seat.

"Lemon Drop?" the old man offered with a demonic twinkle in his eyes after sitting down and pulling out a little box.

"Er, no thank you, I'm good," the lawyer declined nervously, "But why don't you tell us your name first?"

"Certainly," the strange man agreed, "Let me introduce myself. I am Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot and Surpreme Mugwump of the ICW"

"I ... see," Phoenix answered, a bead of sweat running down the side of his face. "What is a Mugw-actually I really don't want to know. What is your problem, then?"

"Well," Dumbledore explained patiently, "I have been unjustly accused of several crimes. Murder, attempted murder, kidnapping, child neglect, theft, obstruction of justice, fashion crimes and jaywalking, to name a few."

'That's what he calls a few???' Phoenix thought baffled. "Anyways, so you're asking for our help to prove your innoncence?" he replied.

"Oh no, that's not it," Dumbledore beamed, "I did all those things. But, you must know, it was all for the Greater Good. Greater Good in capital letters, by the way."

Phoenix tried to speak several times, however his mouth refused to cooperate. Meanwhile, the barmy old coot ... erm, the kind old man smiled at him indulgently, his eyes merrily twinkling in an unnatural, devilish sort of way.

When his mouth decided to work again, Phoenix didn't quite know what to say, so he settled on simple questions first.  
"Do you have any evidence or witnesses to clear your name?" he finally asked.

"Oh well eviclectricity doesn't work for our kind ("Wtf?!" said Maya's face) but I have a witness, Professor Snape." Dumbledore informed him gayly (the happy gay not the gay gay you pervs!).

"So this Mr. Snape-"

"Professor Snape, Harry!" said Dumbledore sternly.

"Who's Harry ... actually nevermind. So this Professor Snape can testify for you, correct?" an increasingly desperate defense attorney tried to steer the conversation back on track.

"Yes! In fact, I trust him with my life." Dumbledore informed him, somehow sounding like he repeated that particular sentence quite often.

"I don't see how that's relevant, but moving on," Phoenix tried to continue, but he was interrupted yet again, this time by the arrival of an orange-red bird through the open window. The bird was also on fire.

After conversing with the fried chicked on his shoulder for a minute, the loony old ... ahem, I mean the Headmaster of whatever-the-name-was-again turned back towards Phoenix.  
"I'm afraid we'll have to cut this short," he told him in a sagely voice, "I just received an urgent owl from the minister of magic, Cornelius Fuck - I mean Fudge. Goodbye"  
Then he vanished on the spot.

Maya, who had observed the entire exchange with her mouth gaping wide open, finally regained control of her jaw. She looked at Phoenix for several seconds before he sighed.

"I told you that was a bad idea."


	2. Orochimaru

After the surprising (but not unwelcome) exit of the illustrious Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore (TM), our valiant defenders of the law were (unsurprisingly) at a loss.  
The crazy old man had, even among their own special brand of client only someone like Phoenix Wright could attract, been an especially barmy one. But there was one thing Maya had been right about when she originally proposed the idea. They needed the money. Desperately. Not because Phoenix was bad at his job mind you, he just seemed to always get involved with people who were either constantly broke or just not interested in money, and since Maya didn't work at all, instead preferring to train in the ancient Kurain arts, the bills were racking up. So instead of simply quitting, Phoenix and Maya readied themselves for their next client.

The man who entered their office was incredibly creepy. It wasn't just his pale face and long, black hair combined with snake-like eyes (not to mention a tongue that was far longer than any human tongue could possibly be), no he exuded a certain aura that caused a shiver to run down Maya's spine when he looked at her with a confident smirk. He ignored the chair Phoenix offered him, instead choosing to seat himself on a large snake which had seemingly appeared out of nowhere (but that was impossible, right?). He too was far from normal or even practical in his choice of clothing, which included a gargantuan piece of purple rope serving as a belt (it was even tied in a bow at the back). A strange hissing sound could be heard from his sleeves, but our heroes rather wisely chose to ignore it for the sake of their remaining sanity (they would need it for the trials to come, muhahahahaha-ahem, anyways).

After a long, tense silence the man finally spoke, "I am Orochimaru-sama of the Sannin and rightful 4th Hokage of Konohagakure!"

"Right!" exclaimed Phoenix nervously, "So what did they accuse you of?"

"There are numerous ridiculous accusations against me, if you must know," the man informed them disdainfully, "And they're quite harmful to my reputation."

"What kind of accusations are you talking about?" Phoenix was almost afraid to ask.

"Well, they keep calling me a child molester for no reason!" Orochimaru yelled, losing his calm for a moment, "And I don't even know why!"

'Maybe because you're creepy as hell?!' Phoenix wondered, but decided to keep his thoughts to himself.  
"Maybe you could explain the circumstances?" he asked instead.

"For example there was this one boy called Sasuke," the Sannin explained patiently, "I wanted him because of his eyes, so I followed him into the woods and bit his neck to leave my mark on him. I even told him to come seek me out after I was finished playing with him and his little friends, but he never did."

"YOU WHAT?!" Phoenix screamed, but Orochimaru interrupted him.

"So I had to go about this differently," he continued, "And I sent my underlings to kidnap him and bring him to me so I could train him until he was ready for me to take his body."  
"I really don't see what's so terrible about that," he finished his tale with a nostalgic look in his eyes.

Phoenix finally had enough.  
"OBJECTION!" he yelled, pointing his finger dramatically at the stunned ninja, "There's everything wrong with that sentence. You claim you're not a child molester. But your testimony proves your guilt without a doubt!"

"I don't see how that-"

"HOLD IT!" he was interrupted by the blue-clad lawyer, "I can prove it to you right here, right now!"

"I suppose you you have the evidence to prove me wrong, then?" Orichimaru asked smugly.

"Yes, I have," Phoenix nodded.

"What?!-"

"The evidence to prove it is this ..." he said, causing some kind of interface with a list of evidence (including a dirty, worn attorney's badge for some reason) and profiles to appear. He highlighted Maya's profile and presented it.

"What has your assistant to do with any of this?" the confused Sannin asked him.

"I know you want her for her secret abilities, you creep!" Phoenix accused him.

"Secret abilities you say," Orochimaru suddenly had a look of barely concealed hunger on his face.

"Help me, Nick!!!" Maya screamed as the man advanced on her, but he was interrupted yet again, this time by something crashing through the door. When the smoke cleared, the figure was revealed to be a blond-haired boy in an incredibly garish orange jumpsuit.

"There you are!" he screamed, "I'm going to take Sas-gay away from you, believe it!"

"Oh God, not this again," Orichimaru face-palmed before vanishing in a swirl of leaves, causing the boy to wallow in depression.

"So who are you?" Maya asked, curious about his sudden appearance.

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki, believe it!" he yelled, his depression quickly forgotten, "And I'm gonna be Hokage, believe it!"

"Alright, alright, we believe you already!" Phoenix yelled back, enraged about the destruction of his office, "You go and chase that weirdo or whatever!"

"Right!" the blond pest shouted, running out of the door, "I'm gonna catch him and force him to give Sas-gay back, believe it!"

With those last words, he left the way he came. Phoenix looked at Maya, clearly at a loss. He finally opened his mouth, but Maya shut him up with a glare.  
"It's not my fault!" she yelled, knowing what he was about to say.

Phoenix simpy sighed, "I told you it was a bad idea."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God this guy is a fucking creep.


End file.
